Steve Anderson is married and has two sons. He is the former director of the Boys to Men Mentoring Network of Minnesota, where he led national and international transformational weekends for boys. He has over ten years of experience working with men and boys, developing the emotional awareness and skills they need to reach their full potential. He also has over 20 years of experience teaching people how to be more effective communicators. He lived through his dad's spectacular burnout as a teenager and works with fathers to help them avoid doing the same in their own lives. He is a certified professional coach with training in applied neuroscience. Here, he talks about three things he learned from being a substitute teacher. 

After 20 years in the college classroom, I switched careers and, with some extra time on my hands, decided to get my substitute teacher license to see what the other half of the education system was doing. I'll spend a day subbing at a local school about once every week or two. So far, I've subbed in every grade except 11th and 12th. I've also subbed in reading support courses and special education classes. What follows are three things every parent needs to know about what their children are experiencing in school and what they can do to help them face those challenges.

Am I a glorified babysitter, playing Disney videos for my classes? Most of the time. Full-time teachers don't rely on substitutes to teach because they have no idea what the substitute can do. Substitutes, people with a bachelor's degree and no criminal record (at least in my state) are known for showing up and doing their own thing, which is usually some version of hangman or videos as opposed to any lesson plan left for the sub by the teacher.

If you are a parent with a college degree, spare time, and a large reservoir of patience, I encourage you to get a substitute teacher's license. I paid around 150 dollars for the process of getting licensed for three years. If the idea terrifies you or sounds horrible, I won't argue with you. I'm not recommending subbing for the cash.  No, spending time in the classroom is a great way to see what your kids are dealing with. 

Whatever your experience was in school, it's safe to say you've probably forgotten just how intense school can be, and I'm not talking about the homework. You most likely remember some highs and lows, and you have definitely moved on from the crazy world of teen hormones. Because of that, you may be missing how challenging school is for your child. The following will help you understand what is shaping a lot of your child's behavior.

Social survival is priority number one

The first thing I learned as a sub is that your child's first task isn't to follow the teachers' instructions but to navigate the social landscape. This requires a lot of flexibility because the classroom environment changes between teachers and each class's particular composition.

Case in point: I was taking a morning shift subbing for a special education teacher. The first class was filled with quiet students. They wanted and needed peace and quiet to get work done. As they were leaving, one student asked if I would be here for the final class of the day because, if I were, I should know that “They are the worst! So loud, always talking. They're a nightmare!”

Regular classrooms are similar. There is no telling what a class will be like until everyone is in it. I can confirm this: There is always one class out of the six or seven that is louder, pushier, and harder to control than the others. As a parent, you need to know that your child probably has different social challenges to manage in each class. That's a lot of brain power to use in a day.

School is more taxing than your job

Navigating this changing environment leads to the second thing I learned as a sub: on most days, your child is maxing out their skills and emotional capital at school. As adults, we can think erroneously about how easy it would be to trade our adult responsibilities to be kids in school again. Yeah, no. Being a kid in school involves learning how to deal with other immature kids who are also figuring it out on their own.

For K-3, it's almost guaranteed that a few kids will have a meltdown during the day. Teacher's politely say that he or she “is having a hard day.” With the older kids, the meltdowns are fewer, but that doesn't mean there aren't conflicts with fellow students or frustrations over schoolwork.

Just as you need time to unwind after work, your kids need the same after school. This will explain why asking how school went when your older child gets home only gets you, “It's fine.” They need time to decompress before talking about it.

The need to be seen

The third thing I learned is that students behave better when they feel seen. That doesn't mean a troublemaker isn't going to push the envelope, but it will space out the attempts more for a teacher he thinks sees where he's coming from. Given enough time, quiet students will open up if one is patient. Eye contact, initially avoided, will be made after the student is asked a few safe questions about what a shy student likes.

Assuring students that they are being seen comes in two possible moves for the sub. The easiest is to move around to the noisiest part of class and just be there. Magic! Things quiet down. Remember, as subs, we get points for any day where no one is hurt and no riot breaks out. This type of I-see-you is about reminding students to follow the rules. Sometimes, it's good enough.

The other type of being seen comes from conversations; they do not have to be long. Kids can be surprisingly open to adults who approach them friendly and sincerely. If there is time to start a conversation, I go with a favorite television show question before lunch and a “How was lunch?” question after. Conversations do not have to go deep to make a connection. Making a connection over small stuff, though, can lead to deeper conversations later. 

After the last bell rings

Subbing isn't for everyone, but the lessons are. Remember that your children are forming and reforming their personalities every hour they are at school. School work may seem easy, but on many days, navigating school's social life and academics requires every bit of energy your children have to give. Last but not least, your children need you around; sometimes, it's simply in the background, and other times, it's in superficial small talk that can lead to deeper conversations if your child needs it.

When your children get home, give them room to decompress. They need it as much or more than you do. When they have had time to relax and shift gears, make room to talk about the social aspects of school. Your children may need more support in making supportive friends than they do in math. Finally, whether they are doing well, struggling, or somewhere in between, make sure to listen to what they are saying. Being heard is the same as being seen; every child benefits from that. Remember, your home is meant to be the safe harbor where your children can recoup and restock before heading out into the world of school.

Find out more about Steve here: https://steveanderson.coach/