Sara-Ann Rosen is a dating and relationship coach dedicated to helping ambitious women-identifying singles overcome disappointment fatigue and enjoy dating again. She combines her backgrounds in counseling, law, mindfulness, the performing arts, and astrology to offer a unique, interdisciplinary approach to relationship coaching. An intersectional feminist, LGBTQIA+, and BLM ally committed to learning anti-racism, Sara-Ann brings compassion, critical thinking, and intuitive creativity to her work. 

Sara-Ann holds a Master of Arts degree in Human Development Counseling (Marriage, Couple, and Family Track) from the University of Illinois, a Juris Doctor degree from New York Law School, completed the Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy Program from the University of Massachusetts, is a Certified Astrologer through The Real Astrology Academy, and is pursuing certification in Functional Imagery Training from the University of Plymouth, UK. Here, she discusses how not to let dating apps ruin your love life. 

Dating can feel like an endless maze of swipes, likes, and ghosting that kills the romance faster than calling a date by your ex's name. Between the dating app boom and the pandemic, we've plunged headfirst into a new dating frontier. Or apocalypse, depending on who you ask. Either way, it's caused many of us to hit a proverbial wall. 

Why is it so challenging to find meaningful connections in the digital age, and what can we do to resuscitate our love lives? Let's dive into some root causes of why dating feels harder and explore practical solutions to help you enjoy dating again.

Dating in the Age of Disconnection

The apps  - human flea markets, as I like to call them - have gamified our most vital needs: love and belonging. Our pop culture fairy tale - where every encounter is a meet-cute, every kiss is a spark, every expectation is met, and every conflict is resolved with a grand gesture - and dating app profile suggestions that are often as hit or miss as any other profit-driven service (yes, I'm looking at you, Amazon) - set us up with unrealistic expectations. 

How Dating Apps Changed Dating Culture

The apps introduce us to more people than we would otherwise meet, but algorithms are not compatibility experts. Today's “relationshopping” turns dating into a numbers game, pits us against each other in contests of comparison and popularity, and convinces us to seek shortcuts to authentic connections without upfront investments of curiosity, vulnerability, respect, or consistency. We pay the price when we hand over decision-making power to some IT code in the belief it will make dating easier. Dating is different and more accessible, yes, but also harder. Talking to an avatar through a digital interface robs us of the nonverbal cues we need to suss out information our gut and mind use to build enough interest, rapport, and trust to go from a match to a date.  

Endless Options, Empty Promises

Having more choices at our fingertips may seem ideal, but it's a trap to keep you single and swiping. 

The Psychology of Abundance: Why More Isn't Always Better

Dating apps let you “like” anywhere from 8 to 100 profiles a day. But our brains can't handle so much information at once. After about 30 profiles, overwhelm and confusion set in, and the brain's analytical and decision-making abilities tank.  If we choose anyone, we do so with less confidence and clarity and second guess ourselves more. Instead of finally feeling joy, empowerment, and like we're too sexy for that app, we start to freak out about staying single forever, which isn't exactly good for our self-esteem.

Another trap of having an unlimited array of human menu options is feeling like someone better is always one more swipe away. It's hard to resist addictive hits of dopamine-fueled dreams that blow up our expectations of a fairytale finish. Like moths to a flame, we get burned by mismatches, burned out from disappointment fatigue, and stuck in cycles of feeling lonely, swiping, matching, unmatching, feeling lonelier, and…swiping. We lose sight of the unique value and potential of any particular match when it's so tempting to rely on superficial microdoses of validation. This sets us up for failure because getting to know someone does not supply the same instant gratification we have come to expect from our consumer products and services.

The Dating App Trap - When Quick Fixes Lead to Failure

Quicker than you can say, “ick,” the anonymous nature of matching and texting encourages us to treat others like game points to collect or commodities to trade in. More dating app users  get away with engaging with these platforms for purposes other than traditional dating and relationship-seeking, which messes with our heads and intensifies our widespread disillusionment. 

The Self-Sabotage Cycle

The longer we go without feeling genuine interest, investment, and consistency from matches, the more resistant we become to the reality that connections take time to grow and require more than a few robotic texts to find “the one.” We seriously wonder if the juice is worth the squeeze. Holding out for a miracle, we resign ourselves to rollercoasters of anticipation, excitement, yearning, and despair when the certain happy ending we yearn for isn't obvious from the beginning (spoiler: it usually isn't immediately obvious, and that's normal). Our confidence, self-worth, communication, social skills, relationship quality, and overall happiness decline. We grow guarded, telling ourselves we'll make an effort if the other person does first. But, taking what you want from the situation instead of co-creating a connection does not a relationship make. Wanna date someone with that motive? 

Swipe Left on Reality

It almost feels like dating apps, some with waiting lists and a monthly price tag of up to one grand, convince us that Hollywood-inspired dreams can come true. 

The False Narrative of a “Perfect Match”

How often have you had this type of fantasy?

Congratulations! You're our one trillionth swiper, and you just won the love of your dreams! That's right, folks! Dating apps have finally cracked the code, and we are just giving it away to the most addict-, um, loyal users!

Meet “The One:” a rich philanthropist with an MD who moonlights as an international dance champion. They own a private island, speak five languages, and can whip up a Michelin-star meal blindfolded while giving a back rub so blissful it would make angels cry. But wait, there's more! “The One” comes equipped with unwavering romantic devotion and an uncanny ability to anticipate your every need. No baggage, no games, just pure, unadulterated relationship bliss.

(Guaranteed for at least a month, or your swipes back!)

Forget awkward first dates, the months of pretending to care about their kombucha hobby and office drama, or the inevitable fights over who should do the dishes. Now, you can skip to happily-ever-after with just a few million swipes and a match! So, what are you waiting for? Start swiping for a chance to win your perfect partner today! 

(Batteries not included. May experience occasional dissociation and sudden urges to do parkour. Side effects of spending too much time on yachts may include wanderlust and an intolerance to dogs.)

The Cost of Getting Lost in the Swipe Culture

When we expect an app to serve up a perfect, no-assembly-required connection as seamlessly as our favorite seamless order, we diminish love to a series of cold transactions. 

Why Instant Gratification Undermines Real Relationships

Sorry to say, forget soulmate shopping; actual love requires work, not just Instagram filters. Instead of investing curiosity and effort into building a meaningful connection through personalized experiences, empathy, and trust, this mindset encourages us to judge a potential partner's value by how much they give us what we want when we want it without us having to say it, and how good they make us feel from moment to moment. But we outsource our happiness and agency when we do this. We miss out on authenticity and nuance and forget that relationships are not discovered or won, they are built organically and gradually through mutual effort, curiosity, vulnerability, respect, trust, and patience. Love is more a journey of being and doing those qualities than finding someone to make you feel good all the time.

Hit the Reset Button on Your Dating Life

Dating apps are useful tools, but we need to use them strategically. When do you tend to check them? What is your mood like? Are you reaching for your phone to mindlessly swipe when you're bored or lonely? If so, ditch the doomswiping. We've all been there - swiping through profiles on autopilot and feeling more and more “meh” about everyone. If this sounds familiar, it's time to hit the reset button. 

Recognize Patterns That Hold You Back

  • Schedule your scrolling and limit dating app sessions to 15-30 minutes per day, or on select days.
  • Set your own priorities by turning off those time-sucking dating app notifications. 
  • Take a moment to reflect on your dating life with a few questions. Do you see the dating glass as half full or half empty? What expectations do you bring to the table, and how do you feel when matches do the same? 
  • Question your "type." We can put too much importance on superficial qualities like height, hair color, or job titles. We love shortcuts to certainty that don't require gathering the data to back it up. Instead, try to focus on exploring shared values and meaning over checklist items.
  • Think twice about chasing excitement and unpredictability. More gradually get to know people who show up with sincerity, kindness, and consistency, and embrace small gestures over grandiose promises.

You don't have to tackle this journey alone. Share your struggles with someone trustworthy who can help you embrace a healthier perspective and encourage you to take empowered action. I'm here to help, too. Let's work together to rediscover your confidence and create the love life you desire. Schedule your free Connection Call here.

Find out more about Sara-Ann here: https://settling-up.com | sara-ann@settling-up.com.

References:

Bonilla-Zorita, G., Griffiths, M. D., & Kuss, D. J. (2023, April 25). Dating app use and wellbeing: An application-based pilot study employing ecological momentary assessment and objective measures of use. Int J Environ Res 

Public Health, 20(9):5631. doi: 10.3390/ijerph20095631. 

Musa Eren Celdir, Soo-Haeng Cho, Elina H. Hwang (2023). Popularity bias in online dating platforms: Theory and empirical evidence. Manufacturing & Service Operations Management. 26(2):537-553. https://doi.org/10.1287/msom.2022.0132

Salimi, S. (2023, May 28). Online dating and modern day “relationshopping.” TMJ News Network. https://tmj.news/online-dating/

Thomas, M. F.,  Binder, A, & Matthes, J. (2022). The agony of partner choice: The effect of excessive partner availability on fear of being single, self-esteem, and partner choice overload. Computers in Human Behavior, 126. Article 106977.

https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2021.106977