Hellen Lai is an experienced professional life coach with a decade of experience and a PCC certification since 2019. In 2012, she co-founded the Dwelling Institute, a conscious community, with other coaches. Her corporate background has equipped her to effectively manage and coach business professionals. As a mother of an 8-year-old, she applies conscious parenting principles based on her own experiences, understanding the difficulty of balancing a professional career with being a dedicated and loving mother. Here, she discusses the four main mistakes parents make with toddler tantrums and effective strategies to correct them.

Dealing with toddler tantrums can often feel like navigating a minefield for parents. While these outbursts are a normal part of childhood development, the way we handle them can significantly impact both the child's behaviour and the parent-child relationship. Understanding and rectifying common mistakes in managing these challenging moments is key to fostering a positive developmental environment. 

This article explores four frequent errors parents make during toddler tantrums and provides practical strategies to effectively address and rectify them, paving the way for a calmer, more understanding approach.



  1. Losing patience and yelling



    Why it happens: Parents often lose patience and yell during toddler tantrums due to frustration, exhaustion, or feeling overwhelmed by the child's intense emotions. It's a natural response to stressful situations, especially when under other pressures.



    Challenges faced: Managing one's own emotional response while trying to calm a toddler can be challenging. Parents might struggle with stress management or lack effective strategies to deal with high-pressure situations.



    Parenting hacks:
  • Hack 1: Take a brief time out for yourself. If you feel your patience wearing thin, step away for a few moments to breathe and compose yourself.
  • Hack 2: Practice mindfulness or stress-relief techniques regularly. This can improve your overall emotional regulation and response to stressful situations.
  • Hack 3: Use humour or distraction. Sometimes, lightening the mood or diverting your toddler's attention can defuse the situation and prevent your frustration from escalating.
  1. Giving into demands



    Why it happens: Parents often give in to a toddler's demands during a tantrum to quickly pacify the situation, especially in public or when they're tired or busy. It's seen as a short-term solution to stop the tantrum.



    Challenges faced: Consistently resisting a tantrum can be exhausting. Parents may struggle with consistency or worry about judgment from others if the tantrum happens in public.



    Parenting hacks:
  • Hack 1: Offer choices within limits. Instead of outright denial, offer alternatives. If a child wants a toy, offer them a choice between two acceptable alternatives like, "Would you like to read a book or draw when we get home?"
  • Hack 2: Distraction toolbox. Create a specific list of distractions based on your child's interests. This could include a favourite song, looking for certain colours or shapes around them, or a small portable toy or book they enjoy.
  • Hack 3: Practice delayed gratification. Teach your child the concept of waiting for something they want. You might say, "We can't get this toy today, but let's put it on your birthday wish list."
  1. Ignoring the tantrum



Why it happens: Parents might opt to ignore tantrums as a strategy, believing that not engaging with the tantrum will diminish its occurrence or intensity. This approach is often based on the idea that responding to tantrums can inadvertently reinforce them, particularly if the child is seeking attention or trying to manipulate a situation.



Challenges faced: The challenge with this approach is that it doesn't acknowledge the child's feelings or the potential reasons behind the tantrum. While some tantrums are attention-seeking, others may stem from genuine distress, confusion, or frustration. Ignoring these tantrums can lead to feelings of neglect or misunderstanding in children. Additionally, it can miss opportunities for teaching appropriate ways to express emotions and needs. This approach requires a delicate balance and understanding of when it is appropriate to intervene and when it is beneficial to allow the child to self-regulate.



Parenting hacks: 

  • Hack 1: The calm-down jar. Create a glitter jar with your child. When they start to have a tantrum, shake the jar and watch the glitter settle together. It's a visual tool that can help calm their mind.
  • Hack 2: The 'I feel' script. Teach your child simple phrases to express their feelings. For example, "I feel mad because..." or "I feel sad when...". During a tantrum, calmly prompt them to use these phrases. It may take practice, but over time this can help them verbalise emotions instead of acting out.
  • Hack 3: Energy-redirecting activities. Engage your child in a physical activity to redirect their energy. This could be jumping on a trampoline, running a short race, or even doing a quick dance. These activities allow them to express their energy in a constructive way, potentially diffusing the tantrum.
  1. Not communicating about the tantrum after it's over



    Why it happens: Parents often overlook the importance of discussing the tantrum after it has subsided, either because they're relieved it's over or they're unsure how to address it. They may also believe that toddlers are too young to understand or remember the incident.



    Challenges faced: The challenge lies in effectively communicating with a toddler in a way they understand. Parents might struggle with finding the right words or timing to discuss the tantrum without reigniting the child's emotions.



    Parenting hacks:
  • Hack 1: Problem-solving with choice. After a tantrum, sit down with your toddler and frame the problem in simple terms, then offer choices for solutions. For example, "When we can't have the toy we want, we feel sad. Next time, would you like to hug your teddy or take deep breaths with me to feel better?" This approach allows them to be part of the solution process and teaches them practical ways to handle similar situations in the future.
  • Hack 2: Validate and guide. Wait until your child is completely calm and receptive. Acknowledge their feelings first, then guide them toward better behaviour. "It's okay to feel angry, but hitting is not safe. Let's think of other ways we can show we're angry, like using our words or taking deep breaths.
  • Hacks 3: "Who feels sad?" After a tantrum, gently discuss the impact on others using simple language and relatable concepts. For example, "When you scream and throw things, it makes mommy, daddy, and even your teddy bear feel sad. We all feel happy when we use kind words and gentle hands." This approach helps the toddler understand how their actions affect those around them in a language that resonates with their level of understanding.

Conclusion



Navigating the stormy seas of toddler tantrums is as much a journey for the parent as it is for the child. In the heat of the moment, when patience wanes and voices rise, it's a reminder of our own vulnerabilities and strengths. Recognising and adjusting our responses – from not giving in to demands, to keeping our cool, to engaging in heartfelt conversations post-tantrum – shapes not just their behaviour but our relationship with them. These challenges are opportunities for growth, teaching us about empathy, consistency, and the profound impact of our words and actions. In the end, each tantrum navigated, each hug after a meltdown, weaving the fabric of a stronger, more understanding bond with our little ones.

Find out more about Hellen here: https://www.theconsciousparenting.com/